Fishing Satire


  • Jun 22

    Update to Dolphin Bag Limit

    Published June 22nd, 2021

    June 21, 2021 After much discussion by the Council, the South Atlantic Fisheries Management Office has reached a preliminary consensus about upcoming changes to management measures affecting our Dolphin fishery. These actions, if approved, will go into effect on January 1, 2022. These steps are being taken in response to the universal concern expressed by both charter and recreational fishermen in the Florida Keys and South Florida. The overall consensus seems to support a decline in the dolphin fishery affecting both size and quantity of the fish being caught.  While boats in South Florida supported the change, fishermen in the Carolinas opposed a decrease in the 60 fish per vessel limit by citing potential negative economic impacts. They also claim that dolphin meat is “too damn good.”  Our team has carefully discussed this internally and after hundreds of hours of deliberation we have decided that a 60-fish limit may in fact be excessive. Our new proposal will strike a healthy medium so everyone is happy. We will be reducing the bag ...

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  • May 21

    Black Gold

    Published May 21st, 2021

    It’s a hot summer day off Miami. The sundial shows half past 12 and the fish box is empty. Our customers are drenched in sweat and complaining about the broken a/c and the lack of fish.  I keep reassuring them it’ll all be worth it. I’ve been through this before and I always find the fish. We spent the entire morning trolling east with a spread of feathers, ballyhoo combos, and daisy chains. There was a bit of chatter on the radio with a few dolphin being caught but reports were few and far between. Moral was low but i kept thinking to myself, “this isn’t amateur hour. I’m a winner, we’re going to find fish and show these customers who’s boss.” I was in the middle of a conversation with myself when I hear Kristjan yell at the top of his lungs, “Big floater!” He slammed the binoculars down, pushed ...

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  • May 1

    Tips for Dealing with Summer Crowds

    Published May 1st, 2019

     1. When headed east on a summer day, it helps to leave a trail of bread crumbs or tortilla chips on the surface. Seagulls can’t resist a fresh Tostito and the flock of birds you leave in your wake are sure to keep the fleet of morons busy. 2. Have a friend drive their car into the water at the nearest boat ramp. It may seem a bit rash but stunts like this slow down the revolving door of idiots entering the water on a calm summer day. Don’t worry, your insurance company should cover most of the damage. Be sure to wear a life vest and never fasten your seatbelt if you plan on dunking your car at the ramp.   3. If you have a lot of followers on Instagram or even consider yourself a “micro-influencer,” it helps to post incorrect fishing reports during the week. To adequately confuse weekend warriors, make sure you lie about depth, target species, and any other relevant details.  4. If you ...

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