Fishing Satire


  • May 21

    Black Gold

    Published May 21st, 2021

    It’s a hot summer day off Miami. The sundial shows half past 12 and the fish box is empty. Our customers are drenched in sweat and complaining about the broken a/c and the lack of fish.  I keep reassuring them it’ll all be worth it. I’ve been through this before and I always find the fish. We spent the entire morning trolling east with a spread of feathers, ballyhoo combos, and daisy chains. There was a bit of chatter on the radio with a few dolphin being caught but reports were few and far between. Moral was low but i kept thinking to myself, “this isn’t amateur hour. I’m a winner, we’re going to find fish and show these customers who’s boss.” I was in the middle of a conversation with myself when I hear Kristjan yell at the top of his lungs, “Big floater!” He slammed the binoculars down, pushed ...

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  • May 1

    Tips for Dealing with Summer Crowds

    Published May 1st, 2019

     1. When headed east on a summer day, it helps to leave a trail of bread crumbs or tortilla chips on the surface. Seagulls can’t resist a fresh Tostito and the flock of birds you leave in your wake are sure to keep the fleet of morons busy. 2. Have a friend drive their car into the water at the nearest boat ramp. It may seem a bit rash but stunts like this slow down the revolving door of idiots entering the water on a calm summer day. Don’t worry, your insurance company should cover most of the damage. Be sure to wear a life vest and never fasten your seatbelt if you plan on dunking your car at the ramp.   3. If you have a lot of followers on Instagram or even consider yourself a “micro-influencer,” it helps to post incorrect fishing reports during the week. To adequately confuse weekend warriors, make sure you lie about depth, target species, and any other relevant details.  4. If you ...

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