Captain's Log

Log

Tips for Dealing with Summer Crowds- Satire

Published July 10th, 2019

 1. When headed east on a summer day, it helps to leave a trail of bread crumbs or tortilla chips on the surface. Seagulls can’t resist a fresh Tostito and the flock of birds you leave in your wake are sure to keep the fleet of morons busy.

2. Have a friend drive their car into the water at the nearest boat ramp. It may seem a bit rash but stunts like this slow down the revolving door of idiots entering the water on a calm summer day. Don’t worry, your insurance company should cover most of the damage. Be sure to wear a life vest and never fasten your seatbelt if you plan on dunking your car at the ramp. 

 3. If you have a lot of followers on Instagram or even consider yourself a “micro-influencer,” it helps to post incorrect fishing reports during the week. To adequately confuse weekend warriors, make sure you lie about depth, target species, and any other relevant details.

 4. If you see a pack of boats, ALWAYS get as close as possible. If you can’t identify key features like the brand of sunglasses the captain is wearing, get closer.

 5. ALWAYS spread misinformation on the radio, especially on Saturday’s.  Tell people the dolphin are swarming 30 miles out, especially if you own stock in a major fuel company.

 6.  Fishing is about killing God’s creatures. If you do fill the box, enjoy the blood bath and make sure you post scary things on social media. Incorporate dead fish into your satanic rituals if you really want to freak people out. Don’t forget to tag your vegan friends.

 7. School is out for the summer! Be sure to corrupt the youth whenever possible. Summer is a great time to teach kids about improper boating etiquette and cursing. Teach kids how to operate a VHF and encourage them to yell profanity at the top of their lungs. Educating our youth is imperative if you want the next generation of fisherman to be as awful as us.

 8. Burn as much fuel as possible. What good are 1200 horsies on the back of your brand-new center console if you don’t run at full speed everywhere you go? If you’re fishing out of Miami, try punching it to Key West or Palm beach to avoid the crowds.

 9. Always be on the look out for square grouper! Fish aren’t the only target species on the water. If there’s a big crowd, your chances of being the first one to a suitcase full of narcotics decreases exponentially. Be sure to leave the dock early and check every piece of floating debris for treats.

 10. Summer fishing off Miami is the closest thing you’ll get to a real-life purge. Enjoy the lawlessness, alcohol abuse, fish murdering, and always remember to stay safe.


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